Spanglemonkey

Pathological Parenthood

I hadn't seen pdoc in a couple of weeks so I caught him up on the whole situation with my mother's memory, how she punished with her silences, stomping around crazy mad when I had no idea what she was mad at. How she called me "selfish" when I was just turning into a teenager. I said these are the things I"ve been dealing with with my psychologist.

He responded in an interesting way, to draw a parallel between those things she said that I internalized (i.e. that I"m selfish) and the way that I couldn't take my exams for my Ph.D. and it scuttled my career, all because I couldn't assert myself up against authority figures. I said that Ep had mentioned how my mother never taught me to be an adult.

Also he said I tend not to do anything fun, because I think I don't deserve it. "I blog," I said. "Why are you able to express yourself on your blog and not anywhere else?" he asked. I said I didn't know. I've thought about it a lot but I have no idea. Maybe the anonymity of it? The fact that people can just stop reading if they so desire? I don't know.

So anyway it was nice to see pdoc and not have him lecturing me the whole time about putting fun into my life. He brought it up but didn't have time to say much about it. "You are more comfortable with duty and responsibility," he said. "That's why you feel like things are good when your kids are with you."

I said I thought things were good with my kids around because I missed them otherwise.

Why is it that these male psychologists pathologize my wanting to be around my kids? I wonder if a woman would do that?

Tunes in Head

I managed to get to the bank before dropping Eliz off, and talked to Ep on the phone. This means that I"m particularly late and I won't make it to the Y this morning. Too bad. Maybe I can get a walk in after I see pdoc. Anyway tomorrow morning I"ll have time, if the Y is open.

Do you have music in your head all the time? I always wonder if other people do and where the phenomenon comes from. And is it just a melody or is it the entire band or orchestra?

Talk to the White Man

Oh boy, I'm going out for a birthday dinner tonight in Oakland! I'm very excited. I'll have to drive there in heavy traffic so I"m giving myself a long time, especially for that small stretch of highway between 880 and 580 that's always busy.

I woke up to a very talkative Sophie who followed me around the kitchen going on and on about stuffed animals and gummy vitamins. She's now given up trying to get me to talk with her and gone into another room, and now I miss her jabbering. Oh well. I remember being a kid and waking up all rarin' to go. Doesn't happen very often any more. Now I just stagger toward my coffee.

Tomorrow I sleep in, kid free since Manny's taking them for the night.

This morning is bad mom coffee, followed closely by an appointment with pdoc, whom I haven't seen for a couple of weeks. I hope he doesn't just reiterate his thing about me being more sociable. I don't think I can take it one more time. Point taken, already. I will have to say something to make him stop and I'm not looking forward to it.

Though I do look forward to seeing him in much the same way as I like to see my dad. I never quite know what he'll say or do but it'll be solid and like an older white guy in its decisiveness and obliviousness.

Hesitation

My Doc A appointment was something of a disappointment, and it was entirely my fault. I was talking about my mother but I ran out of stuff to talk about, though I was infuriated and flummoxed and sad by turns. I've told all the stories that I remember. What do I do now? Stammer out a few words and then look around the office for five minutes, rinse and repeat. I wish I'd done better but apparently that's what I had in me for the day. I kept getting a distant, pulled back feeling that I know comes when I am uncomfortable. Damn.

We had a delicious dinner and now we've all gone to our respective corners. I'll wander in and force them to watch something they don't want to watch in a few minutes.

I want to go to a church party on July 4. I hesitate to tell the girls but I have to prepare them. It'll involve a pool. Maybe that'll be enough.

Urp (scuse me)

This morning I spent a little time talking with Dave about the paper he's writing for Library Quarterly (good for him! Yay!) and did a little of my homework, and then sat in the back room copy cataloging. It got a little boring. I think volunteering in the summer time means there's a lot of down time.

I ate my lunch and now it's time to go to the Menlo Pork library and look some stuff up for reference class. It seems that they have the best reference section.

A Pile of Words

Woke up and stumbled downstairs to be greeted by Sophie complaining bitterly about some kind of smell in the kitchen that I can't detect. It must be at the 4 1/2 foot tall level or something. I'll take out the trash, little one... Jeez!

Eliz was up a lot in the night so I'm assuming she won't go to camp again today. It's a shame because it's field trip day and she gets to go play mini golf. Or maybe that's not something she wants to do, I don't know anymore. Everything has changed since she's turned 12. What's out is in and what's in is out.

Today I will go to the library followed by a trip to Menlo Park to look at one of their reference books, the Encyclopedia of Psychology, that I have to annotate for the class wiki. Maybe while I"m there I"ll try to answer some of the questions I have to answer from the next set of reference questions.

After I'm there for a little while I'll go to Doc Alphabet's office and get all riled up again. I'm told it's good for me to purge these feelings but somehow it feels like I"m just indulging myself. Whatever, I'll go and I"ll see what happens.

Remind me to put the trash out to the curb tonight. It's piled up quite a bit.

Focus

Trying to stay focused is very hard this afternoon. I'm just scattered all over. We went to the eye doctor and both girls need reading glasses, Sophie so that she wears them all the time. In addition Eliz needs further tests to look at her focusing issues. I don't know if it's a scammy kind of "therapy" thing but I guess it can't hurt to have her tested, anyway. If they want to do longterm therapy I don't know what I"ll say. It's like braces. Eliz totally doesn't need them but they were recommended anyway.

I finally picked up the buspar. Yay! Now I'm working on lithium, which will run out on Thursday. Luckily I see pdoc on Thursday and I can ask him to call it in. Seems all my prescriptions are running out at once.

Now we're working on Eliz's hair and then going for sushi. A rich full afternoon.

Good Questions

I'm stumped thinking of a good question to ask the reference desk. What about something having to do with music? Fritz Kreisler? The history of YouTube? Something. Suggestions are welcome. I need kind of a stumper of a question.

How about "I want to read a memoir of someone with bipolar disorder. What is available?"

Choosing

This morning was entertaining at the library. I went through a listing of books for sale, read the reviews and chose which ones the library needs. It was really fun! They needed books on soccer, and then books on literary criticism, the project I'd started before. It's more interesting work than processing books, that's for sure.

Eliz was home sick all morning. Poor kid! She seems better now but she was quite miserable this morning when I left.

I think I'll go exercise for a bit. It means taking another shower but I really need it.

Vexed Questions

Good morning. It's all cold and overcast outside. We're under the maroon layer. Brr!

It was a restless night for the kids so once again I didn't really get a good night's sleep. Also I was worrying about the question I've decided to ask the librarian online for my paper. I'm going to ask "I've written a book about bipolar disorder. It's a memoir. What other books are out there that are similar? And how did they do in the market?"

I was worried about the question all night because for one thing, I feel like I"m imposing and should do it myself, but this is actually a test of a reference desk so that's silly. And another thing, I feel like I'm outing myself radically to both the librarian community (like they care!) and to my teacher. But I can't think of another question that I care about the answer to.

And if you think about it, if I want the thing published, people will read it and I'll be outed anyway. Even if I publish under a pseudonym. I'll still be promoting it and standing up for it.

So anyway. That was a night's sleep to forget. It's a busy day ahead. First the library in the morning, and then back home for some lunch, followed by an early pickup time from camp so we can all go to the optometrist. In the evening we'll go out for sushi with Reena and Jak. Yay!

Awful

A terrible dinner in which we all argued. Damn it! It was infuriating and I could throttle my children right now. And my father. Everyone.

Then again, this made me cry. It's so sweet.

What to Do with a Lovely Afternoon

I got kind of bored today since boss Dave was away and all I had to do was to process books, copy catalog them, and attach records to them. It's OCD work but after a while my mind wanders and I do something wrong in the series of movements or clicks. I like the woman in the back room, however. She's pretty cool.

Anyway, I'm back home again, and ready to do some participating on the ol' class discussion board. Today's the day it's due.

I should go exercise at the Y. Maybe in a bit I will.

Things That Need to Happen Today

I had just fallen asleep when I realized that the girls were talking to each other in their room. Damn! I went in there in a huff to find that Sophie had had a nightmare and needed comfort, and had gone to Eliz. Poor kid. I managed to get her back in bed and away from her big fluffy comforter that is so inappropriate for the temperature right now. She'd been totally overheating.

Today I really need to get some schoolwork done. I blew it off over the weekend so I could hang out with Russians and etc., so now I need to spend some quality time with the ol' computer. I'd like to start the paper that's due on the 16th, as well, because the time observing at the reference desk is fresh in my mind at the moment.

I'm running out of buspar and don't hold out much hope for the pharmacy calling it in to pdoc for me. I need to do it myself. Anxiety might just close in. I like taking it because it really works. Ativan just makes me a zombie, even though it does get rid of anxiety so well. Buspar is more subtle.

It's my father's last day and I hope the kids are well-mannered for dinner. They have been a bit rude to him and I really hope it stops. They've been tired, is all, but still he wants them to be more mature.

I Go Supernova

I"m so glad the solo is over! So glad! Now I can sleep again!

I'm watching an old thriller with Clint Eastwood. I remember seeing it a long time ago. It's okay.

Yesterday in a crowd, gathered around the food table, someone noticed that I had turned beet red. "Maybe you got sunburned at Muir woods," someone said as they all stared at me. I'd mentioned before that we had gone up there.

I didn't want to tell the crowd that I was just having a hot flash. Embarrassing!

Russkies

I hung out with friends of Tasha's all afternoon, so my ears are filled with the sound of Russian. We met on the Staffnord campus and looked first at the Rodin sculpture garden. Then we walked around looking at buildings and went to the top of the Hoover tower, which made me quite nervous at the top. My palms were sweaty and I didn't want to approach the edge to look out over the buildings. I didn't realize I'd become so afraid of heights or I wouldn't have gone up in the first place.

We walked very slowly from place to place. The man we were with had his achilles tendon surgically tied back together at some point in the not so far away past so he was slow. It was a fine day for a walk, though.

Now I"m back and wanting pizza. I hope the girls go along with my Master Plan.

Performance, Over and Away

I did it! I was shaking, but it made my vibrato better I suppose. I swayed back and forth to cover my shaking legs. And afterwards got a lot of compliments and entreaties to come back and do it again. Yay! And now it's over!

Now Tasha and my father are taking a nap, and later on we'll meet up with friends of Tasha's and go see the sculpture garden at Staffnord.

I looked up into the balcony and saw Manny and the girls during my solo. He was videotaping it. Nice! Maybe I can put it up on YouTube. Warts and all. They left before I could talk to them afterwards.

I Learn Dignity

What I'm most afraid of is being so frightened that I can't play or I screw up in some major way. But I"ve practiced the piece so much that it's pretty likely that I'll just play it and it will be fine. As my dad said, I"m getting back into it and this is my entrance.

It's good for me to perform. I have to learn how to teach again if I'm going to be an academic librarian, and that means being in front of people and saying a few words about searching and citation without freaking out and being shy. I know I can do it; I've done it before in my life, when it wasn't so bad being in front of people every day. Other times it's been really hard. But it's sort of my lot in life I believe.

So that means standing up with a lot of poise and going through the piece deliberately and with grace.

Afterwards it'll be a big relief, and I hope that I can go somewhere with my dad. Today's the Pride parade up in the city and I'm sure he'll avoid that. Maybe we could go out to the coast or something. I have a feeling he'll move on pretty soon and drive back home.

I Implore the Gods

Good party! I had a very nice time hanging out on Ep's back porch, eating too much chips and dip and shooting the breeze with various folks. It was quite pleasant. I wish my dad had gone but he apparently felt somewhat shy and went up to the city instead.

Tomorrow is my big solo. Yikes! Please let me not be too nervous.

On the Spot

Something is making my computer very slow. Oy vey.

I'm back from observing at the library. It was sort of vaguely entertaining, being there while they answered questions on such pressing topics as "where's the bathroom" and etc. Every now and then, though, there would be the person who asked about a section of books, sports or gambling or something. That made it better. The librarians were really nice, too. They were kind to me and let me sit behind the desk.

Now it's time for the BBQ, as soon as the girls show up. I hope they're in a good mood because I'm feeling kind of mellow and good. Despite the fact that I'm playing in public tomorrow, I'm good.

My father hasn't said I sound good. I feel like I'm not quite good enough. Ack.

Booklike Activities

Went to Buck's with my father and Tasha, and then we stopped by the Slavic Russian Bookstore that Redwood City has to offer the world. It is a quiet place with many books stacked to the ceiling, some used, some new. My father bought a songbook and several phrasebooks. I thought Tasha would buy something but she didn't. I could tell it made her happy, though. She's a librarian after all.

Now I need to get in the car and drive up to San Mat to sit around the library waiting for people with their reference questions. Awkward, yes, but I have to do it. Ugh. Maybe I can find a place out of the way.

My father and Tasha don't seem to want to go to the party, which is too bad. They're heading up to the city to go to art galleries and the art museum instead. Sigh.

Overcoming Certain Fears

A very restless night in which I dreamed over and over that I was playing the violin in front of everyone at church. I would wake up and think of it with a dreadful thrill and have trouble going back to sleep, even in the face of the medication I take for just that purpose. I'm scared, apparently. But it will be all right. Here in the light of day things sound easier. I just hope I don't do anything embarrassing.

I'll have my dad with me, though. That'll be good.

This morning my dad and Tasha will come over and we'll rehearse for a while, and then go to breakfast somewhere. I guess going to Buck's might be good though the line there on weekends can be troubling.

At lunchtime I'll say goodbye to them for the day and then drive up to the San Mat library to do a two-hour observation of the reference desk. Awkward as all hell but I think it'll be really interesting once it gets going. I'm supposed to take copious notes on body language, language itself, and outcome with both parties involved. Where will I sit to be privy to all this? I don't know. But I will try to be unobtrusive. Blend with the surroundings.

Tonight is a BBQ party and I'll have the girls, since Manny is going to some kind of shindig for the night. Should be a fun BBQ. Complete with slip n slide. It's not really a party without traumatic head injury! Knock on wood.

Intense

Very, very intense Doc A appointment, all about my mother. We had no other topic and certainly didn't need it, as we went long over time. I can't talk about it much because it is so strong and so overwhelming. He was impressed that I got myself into therapy at the age of 15 or 16. "Other kids would have acted out in some way but you found a therapist instead." Yep, it's true. I just wanted someone to make things okay, and it didn't work at all except that she got me through the process of applying to boarding school and being accepted.

My father and I have been playing together all day and I think the piece sounds better. We played for my violin teacher and she was making sweeping motions with her arms, bigger! Bigger!

Tried to talk to my dad about what went on in my Doc A appointment and had a lot of trouble communicating. Oh well.

Reluctant

There are a couple of hot topics in my private diary and in this blog that I'd normally like to talk about with Doc A, but I find myself reluctant. Why? Is it superstition? I feel as though if I delve into those topics I'll get all bummed and not be able to function very well. But I've been functioning well for going on three months now and I have every reason to believe it's a trend. So why the reluctance?

One of the topics is my mother during my teenage years, and it's quite painful to look back. I'm not sure what it accomplishes to experience all that again. Will it make my future better? Or my present more tolerable? I don't know. Maybe, though, I don't want to look at it because it is so painful and I"m just avoiding it. I have great swathes of time in my teenage years that I don't remember things. Would filling in those gaps be a bad idea, or a good one?

The other topic is one that I won't burden you with at this time, but suffice it to say it is tender. So my response is to look away from it and not to examine it closely. Doc A will no doubt have a field day with these two things and with my reluctance.

I've Saved the Best Blog Post for You

Slept a really long time last night. I was totally exhausted from the day spent driving and listening so hard to make out what Tasha was saying. Sometime in the middle of the day the listening paid off, though, and I could understand her. But what must their relationship be like! There was a moment during dinner that I realized he had absorbed her gestalt, when they were pushing a dish of food at each other like a tug of war, "You eat it!" "No you eat it!" "No you!"

This is not something my father would normally do. But like Tasha he was spending some time being solicitous of everyone around, saving the choice portions, the best seat, etc. I don't know how to refuse and to be solicitous back, so I just accept the best stuff and sit there like a lump. It seems to make her happy, so whatever, okay thanks. I don't do the tug of war.

This morning they're going to come over and we'll play together for a while, something we haven't had time for as yet on this particular trip. I'm excited for it. I really like playing with him. I have to learn to play a little louder to be heard over the grand piano at the church. Yesterday though I rosined my bow after not doing it for months and wow, what a difference.

I need to go to the Y this morning before they arrive.

I see Doc Alphabet at noon today. I need to bring in the relevant portions of my blog to talk about. I suppose this week it'll be my teenage years and my mother and father. That's probably the most meaty topic I've blogged in the last week. Here, anyway.

I have a violin lesson at 2 and my father's going to come along. Yay.

A Rich Full Day

We had a good time today. Drove up the coast and into the city, and then ended up at Muir Woods which is a reverential place though I've been to redwood forests that were much more isolated and quiet and spongy underfoot from the centuries of needles falling down.

At first I had a great deal of trouble with Tasha's accent, but then I got used to it and now I have it in my head as I write this. I'm hearing it with her accent.

We went to Fisherman's Wharf for dinner, and drove down Geary until we found the Russian part of town. We double parked while Tasha ran inside a Russian grocery when all of a sudden we were boxed in by a police car pulling someone over. Couldn't move for a while. Oh well.

Tasha told us a lot of stories about how hard it was to live in the USSR. Or as she would say, to live in USSR. Who needs articles, anyway?

Now I'm exhausted. I'll go up and read and fall asleep with my book on my chest.